god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
