Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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