piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
