Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
