I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
