So drunk its hurt
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
