She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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