some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
