you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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