Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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