just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
