when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I still have a little drunk in my system
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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