i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
