guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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