the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
