So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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