You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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