You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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