apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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