the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
