We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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