dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Moan for me like Helen Keller
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
