Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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