If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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