I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
