Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
God, you're like boner-b-gone
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
