apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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