So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
