I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
