my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
