i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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