I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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