I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
