remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
