Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize