come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
