Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
