you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
