I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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