I cannot find my penis.
i just had sex bonerless
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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