Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
