So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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