chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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