Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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