You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
