My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
