Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
