mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
