A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
