I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
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You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize