Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
