No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
