The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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