sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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