I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
