is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
