Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
