It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
