My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Let's get the cat blown out
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
